Caught With Her Pants Down

Sister apprehensively lowered the plate of haddock and peas onto Gloops’ placemat, readying herself for the inevitable. Gloops’ remonstration was instant, “I'm not eating that. I gave you a list. Fish wasn’t on it”. To be fair, he made a good point but Sister didn’t have the energy to explain that chips, chips and more chips would struggle to meet the Department of Health’s nutritional guidelines for 8 year olds. Instead, she sat quietly, eating her dinner. Gloops’ now daily food fit playing in the background.

Five peaceful miles away, the rest of the family were enjoying a roast dinner. As conversation turned, as predicted, to our new toilet roll, it unfolded there was more to the story than Glam-Nan had originally shared.

The night before, Glam-Nan had returned home and made the worrying discovery that their side gate was mysteriously open. From the comfort of the downstairs toilet, she pondered not only whether the toilet roll at her house was indeed the same size as mine but whether Snowy could have opened the gate. She employed her usual method of communication that had worked so effectively for the past 40 years and screamed “Have you left the gate open?”. No response. This was unusual. Snowy always responded with the speed of a man henpecked for nearly half a century.

More shouting – more silence. Hmmm. Glam-Nan was starting to worry that the gate opener was really a burglar who had Snowy in a headlock round by the sheds. The massive crash that followed from his study confirmed her worst fears. Glam-Nan sprang off the toilet. Anyone choosing this particular moment to walk down their path would have had a delightful view of her bottom as she scampered down the hallway like an Andrex puppy. By this point, the palpitations had started. As she peeked around the door, Snowy wasn’t there but did appear moments later at the open back door which had been swinging in the wind and was responsible for the bang she'd heard. It was all too much for Glam-Nan having imagined all manner of bad endings to this scenario and Snowy couldn’t quite understand why he’d returned from the shed to find Glam-Nan hyperventilating in the armchair with her trousers round her ankles.