Two of You, One of Me – It Must Be “Oh My God” O’Clock

Today had been looming since November 2006 and was highlighted on the calendar by big, bold, red capitals. “THE POFF”.

When I glibly offered to babysit, I never really expected to open my front door to find a Poff on my doorstep. Yet, there she was this morning, finger sellotaped to the doorbell, looking so perky and energetic. Operating instructions were in her suitcase and all that I saw of LucyWucy were her taillights as she screeched off in a cloud of exhaust fumes.

As I glanced at the specification for the Poff Deluxe 2000, I thought it would be a great opportunity to put this super baby through her paces and see what separated her from the common child. I plucked out my ‘Examination pencil’ from behind my ear and sat Poff down at her desk. Spell ‘incredulous’. What’s 15% of 987? Define ‘irony’. The beauty of the intellectual child is the speed at which they absorb new information. “Repeat after me, Poff, FAR –T”. “Good girl, excellent pronounciation”.

After a quick Agility Test, Poff was released to play with Chickie who was happily gnawing on one of his books with some of his new teeth. I, as always, am feeling guilty again. I hadn’t realised he had four giant gnashers erupting simultaneously and the sobbing he’d been doing was actually not intentional but because he was trying to let me know his teeth hurt. Bad Mummy, try harder, do better.

By 10.50am, I had popped my first aspirin. Glam-Nan rung to laugh at my predicament. She did offer her services but I explained that it would be nap time soon enough. An oasis for the knackered child minder.

However, today it was more of a mirage. I put Chickie down, all was quiet, okay, next baby. Tippy toe upstairs, Poff beautifully quiet, snuggles and cuddles, eyes closing, surely this is too easy? I don’t believe it, she’s asleep. Perfection. Noises from Chickie’s room, not as asleep as I thought. Poffy still asleep though. Let’s just put her in the cot. “WWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH”. Drat.

Repeat process above. Cuddles, snuggles, eyes closing, snoring. Brilliant. Lowering into cot, easy does it, careful now. “WWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!”

How do they know? HOW? That’s was Poffy’s sleep for the day. A full two minutes which meant I had a very, very tired mini companion attached to my leg for the rest of the day.

When Chickie reappeared revived from his three hour nap, Poffy was on the brink and in no mood to share Teddy. FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!!! And fight they did. An ugly scene indeed. Custody swung from Poff to Chickie, to Poff and so on and so forth. Teddy was eventually put into care, out of sight, which provoked complete meltdown.

I was too emotionally, physically and spiritually drained to employ distraction techniques so just sunk to the floor, staring past the two purple, tear stained faces staring back at me.

LucyWucy, the flowers were a lovely gesture, but a mere drop in the “YOU OWE ME BIG, BIG, BIG, BIG, BIG TIME” ocean. x