Men!

I used to be a romantic, then I got married. I had high fluffy hopes for the master specimen of manhood that would finally become my chosen one. He was based strongly on Johnny Castle from Dirty Dancing but, despite hanging outside Butlins for years, my twinkle toed red coat never gyrated his way into my arms.

What appeared in the Patrick Swayze shaped hole in my heart was this. A slight shock, I’ll grant you, but we discovered a shared passion that has formed the basis of our relationship for seven years. A passion for tormenting each other.

The drain hair garnish I lovingly placed on Accountant’s Shower Gel the other day amused me so that I’ve practically been pulling out my hair in order to produce enough drain fuzz for daily adornments. This morning, however, Accountant had organised a little surprise of his own. Why do boys always go too far? Unable to use my now germ infested toothbrush, I desperately foraged through the cupboards for an alternative. My journey led me to Chickie’s room. His doll’s house sized toothbrush that had only ever known sweet baby breath was in for a shock. As each tooth enjoyed individual attention from the weeny fangbuffer, it gave me plenty of time to plot my revenge.

The note I’ve left on the most expensive replacement I could find will hopefully teach him a valuable lesson. Don’t mess with the woman who has unrestricted access to your bank account x

I realise to those of you who enjoy a normal, healthy relationship with your spouse, this may seem slightly odd behaviour and you’d be right.

Chickie got up to his usual antics this afternoon. I always thought intimidating a 1 year old into submission would be easy. Say “no”, raise a disapproving eyebrow or two and immediate compliance would naturally follow. Not so, my child just laughs at me and repeats the offending behaviour with added gusto. I’ve tried every shade of “No” and raised my eyebrows clear off my forehead and am still faced with utter defiance.

I’ve lost count of the times I’ve warned him to not remove the Smartcard from the cable box. He knows the deal. He was in the lounge, I was in the adjoining dining room. Both have tellies tuned into the same channel. When I look up at my television and see this, call me a genius, but I know the next thing I’ll see at the other television is this.

If anyone can tell me how they get their child to take them seriously, please let me know.