A Shocking Announcement
Today’s blog comes with a health warning - magic knickers should not be worn for 16 hours. The chafing began after 8 hours, the numb right bottom cheek around 10 hours and loss of circulation in both legs at 12 hours.
It seemed a good idea to tuck my flabby tum tums into the ultra tight pants at 7am this morning, an even better idea to wear two vests and tuck them into aforementioned pants to keep flabby tum tums company. The look was complete when I pulled on a pair of 60 denier black tights over all of the above, finishing just beneath the saggy boobage which was being propped up and inflated by a magic bra.
The reason I had squeezed myself into all of the above was because we were going to Accountant’s Cousin’s wedding. Chick was packed off to Nanna and Grandad’s and off we went off to Essex.
It seemed a good idea to tuck my flabby tum tums into the ultra tight pants at 7am this morning, an even better idea to wear two vests and tuck them into aforementioned pants to keep flabby tum tums company. The look was complete when I pulled on a pair of 60 denier black tights over all of the above, finishing just beneath the saggy boobage which was being propped up and inflated by a magic bra.
The reason I had squeezed myself into all of the above was because we were going to Accountant’s Cousin’s wedding. Chick was packed off to Nanna and Grandad’s and off we went off to Essex.
On arrival at the church, I was actually very grateful to be wearing so much underwear as the only sour
ce of heat was coming from five candles. The priest made no apologies for the broken boiler and just told everyone to sit down and be quiet which was a touching start to the ceremony. Scared by the feisty cleric, I reduced the volume of my teeth chattering and sat shivering quietly wishing I had a hot water bottle and a duvet. The ceremony lasted over an hour by which time most of the congregation had turned varying shades of blue.
We were eventually instructed to leave and all raced to our cars to put the heaters on and get to the reception venue as fast as possible in the hope some form of warmth would be provided. For some reason, Accountant’s dad had parked in the middle of a field as opposed to the half empty church car park so we all laughed and pointed at him as we drove past. Hot mulled wine on arrival was a good start but incredibly, no heating again. I was quite glad to be able to keep my coat on though as it meant I could concentrate all my energy on thawing rather than holding my stomach in (magic knickers assisting).
Whilst sipping our mulled wine, we all stood and watched Accountant’s dad driving past the window, having amazingly missed the very obvious car park once again. We pointed and laughed at him for a second time.
The usual wedding antics followed with all eyes firmly fixed on the waiter with the canapés. Everyone in the room formulating strategies on how to get as many prawn balls as possible without appearing greedy. I adopted the “charm the waiter with starved cheekiness” approach which worked beautifully and put me three chicken satay skewers and one sausage ahead of everyone else.
Next up was the flapping over the seating plan and which dodgy relative you were sat next to for the rest of the day. My concerns did increase over the course of the day as new and distant relatives to Chickie were presented to me. I decided to ignore the fact that there could be possible genetic links between these people and my son and offered a prayer that my chromosomes would cancel out theirs. Please God.
One of my favourite moments occurred when I walked past the coats cupboard and heard knocking. It was a bit like walking past a phone box and the phone starts ringing – do you answer it, don’t you? My curiosity got the better of me and I opened the door to find a woman who had turned around to hang her coat up and the door had shut behind her and plunged her into darkness. She had worked herself up to the verge of hysteria despite only being in there a matter of seconds. She later introduced me to her boyfriend as the lady who had rescued her from the closet.
Throughout the day, I did find toilet visits particularly stressful as I kept having to unpeel my pants and spend ridiculous amounts of time untucking and retucking myself. When I saw the easy access toilet, it gave me hope that my next attempt may be easier but no, it wasn’t that kind of easy access. I then managed to block the toilet up by being over zealous with my preparation paper (loo paper all around the seat). I legged it as fast as my now starting to chafe upper legs would carry me.
The final high point to the day was the Best Man’s Speech. Bless Him. He was clearly nervous and the rhythm of the speech a little erratic as he kept referring to his notes. However, there was a point when he actually came to a grinding halt and that was the special moment he accidentally announced to 120 adults and, more importantly, 8 children, 2 days before Christmas that Santa didn’t exist. Gasps of horror rippled around the room as realisation of just what he had done dawned and 8 little lips started to tremble, the mothers desperately explaining to their sobbing children how The Best Man was only joking.
ce of heat was coming from five candles. The priest made no apologies for the broken boiler and just told everyone to sit down and be quiet which was a touching start to the ceremony. Scared by the feisty cleric, I reduced the volume of my teeth chattering and sat shivering quietly wishing I had a hot water bottle and a duvet. The ceremony lasted over an hour by which time most of the congregation had turned varying shades of blue.We were eventually instructed to leave and all raced to our cars to put the heaters on and get to the reception venue as fast as possible in the hope some form of warmth would be provided. For some reason, Accountant’s dad had parked in the middle of a field as opposed to the half empty church car park so we all laughed and pointed at him as we drove past. Hot mulled wine on arrival was a good start but incredibly, no heating again. I was quite glad to be able to keep my coat on though as it meant I could concentrate all my energy on thawing rather than holding my stomach in (magic knickers assisting).
Whilst sipping our mulled wine, we all stood and watched Accountant’s dad driving past the window, having amazingly missed the very obvious car park once again. We pointed and laughed at him for a second time.
The usual wedding antics followed with all eyes firmly fixed on the waiter with the canapés. Everyone in the room formulating strategies on how to get as many prawn balls as possible without appearing greedy. I adopted the “charm the waiter with starved cheekiness” approach which worked beautifully and put me three chicken satay skewers and one sausage ahead of everyone else.Next up was the flapping over the seating plan and which dodgy relative you were sat next to for the rest of the day. My concerns did increase over the course of the day as new and distant relatives to Chickie were presented to me. I decided to ignore the fact that there could be possible genetic links between these people and my son and offered a prayer that my chromosomes would cancel out theirs. Please God.
One of my favourite moments occurred when I walked past the coats cupboard and heard knocking. It was a bit like walking past a phone box and the phone starts ringing – do you answer it, don’t you? My curiosity got the better of me and I opened the door to find a woman who had turned around to hang her coat up and the door had shut behind her and plunged her into darkness. She had worked herself up to the verge of hysteria despite only being in there a matter of seconds. She later introduced me to her boyfriend as the lady who had rescued her from the closet.
Throughout the day, I did find toilet visits particularly stressful as I kept having to unpeel my pants and spend ridiculous amounts of time untucking and retucking myself. When I saw the easy access toilet, it gave me hope that my next attempt may be easier but no, it wasn’t that kind of easy access. I then managed to block the toilet up by being over zealous with my preparation paper (loo paper all around the seat). I legged it as fast as my now starting to chafe upper legs would carry me.
The final high point to the day was the Best Man’s Speech. Bless Him. He was clearly nervous and the rhythm of the speech a little erratic as he kept referring to his notes. However, there was a point when he actually came to a grinding halt and that was the special moment he accidentally announced to 120 adults and, more importantly, 8 children, 2 days before Christmas that Santa didn’t exist. Gasps of horror rippled around the room as realisation of just what he had done dawned and 8 little lips started to tremble, the mothers desperately explaining to their sobbing children how The Best Man was only joking.
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