Help Wanted

To my dear friend (obviously a male) who kindly enquired how I was finding JUST being a housewife and JUST looking after a baby. I've rustled a little something by way of an answer, in a format that you'll hopefully understand:

Job Title:

JUST a Housewife

Job Overview:

Reporting to a one year old male, you will be responsible for keeping him alive and amused for the next 18 years and then some. Whilst generally mild mannered, he is prone to daily mood swings, tantrums and constipation so resilience is essential. You will also perform skivvy type duties for other family members.

Key Skills:

Problem Solving:
You will need to think creatively in order to energetically apply innovative and entertaining approaches to aid eating. Previous experience as a Children’s Entertainer would be beneficial.

Judgement:
Sound evaluative skills are required to predict, assess and avert threats, danger, meltdowns, tantrums, accidents and near death experiences.

Resilience:
The ability to remain calm and rational whilst your patience is being tested beyond endurance is essential.

Communication Skills:
You will be an excellent communicator with theatrical tendencies, in order to appear in control yet nonchalant at all times, especially in public. All conversation, activities and interaction will centre around the child. Standard answers are available e.g. "He's 1, Yes he is big for his age, No I'm never having another one, No I'm not joking, Yes it really was that bad!"

Flexibility:
You must be adaptable as anything planned, especially if you’re looking forward to it, is going to be cancelled.

Numeracy:
Basic numeracy would be useful to ensure alternating dosages of Calpol/Nurofen do not exceed maximum limits.

Strategic Thinking:
You will need excellent planning and organisational skills and the ability to anticipate problems in order to achieve anything. Previous experience of contingency planning would be beneficial.

Other Requirements

You must be physically fit and require minimal amounts of sleep.

Anything you say or do will be held against you for the rest of your life should you be saying or doing it wrong.

You will be happy undertaking repetitive and mundane tasks requiring intelligence levels equivalent to that of a pork chop.

Familiarity with The Health and Safety at Work Act, particularly, COSHH (Control of Substances Hazardous to Health), would be useful as you will be in daily contact with dangerous deposits.

Remuneration and Benefits

No Holiday, No Pay, No Lunch Hour, Overtime Available.
Ear Plugs and Antibacterial Handwash provided.
No training given.
Accommodation in a giant bouncy castle available.