I'll Have The Chicken Nuggets Please

“Thanks very much, but I’ve already eaten” I said, not much fancying the look of any of the dishes on the new NHS lunch menu. Oh, alright. It wasn’t really a lunch menu, although if you’ve ever eaten hospital food, you’d understand my confusion.

However, it was a menu of sorts. A Poo Menu to be precise, cunningly named, “Choose Your Poo!”, complete with drawings (in colour) of the seven different varieties of poop coming soon to a nappy near you.

Listening to the deadpan Doctor as she educated me on each type, showing me how to identify them using helpful comparisons to rabbit droppings, chicken nuggets, corn on the cob and gravy, I had to suppress a childish urge to snigger.

After thorough examination of the illustrations, I decided Chickie was producing the grapes. Apparently, this wasn't good and we need to be aiming for the sausage. However, to get to sausage land, we must first sample the perilous and unpalatable food groups of chicken nuggets, porridge and, worst of all, gravy.

Armed with 50 sachets of Special Stink Drink, I pondered what the next eight days held in store. Whatever happens, the "Daily Movements Record” will serve as a handy reminder to delight and amuse Chickie's future girlfriends.