The Contented Little Baby - Guidelines Only

Unable to cope with Gina Ford's 400 page nano second by nano second approach to parenting, I took matters into my own hands. Et Voila:

Recipe for Contented Baby
Makes 1 Portion

Ingredients
1 clean nappy
1 full tummy
8 hours of non-stop activity
2 hours of sleepy bye byes
5ml Calpol (teething, windipops, snot management)
1 knackered mummy

Whenever Chickie is scheduled for public display, I whip out my recipe and follow it precisely to improve my chances of presenting a happy, well balanced show bambini.

If any of the quantities are altered in anyway, it becomes a Recipe for Disaster. That’s why I was less than pleased when Chickie spent the two hours he should have been ‘recharging’, trampolining on his mattress. Afterwards, he started his neighbourhood watch shift, pulling back his curtains to check all was well in the ‘hood. A red eyed Chickie was then bundled into the car and driven to Kate’s.

Arrival at a play date is dealt with much like HM Customs and presents you with three choices.

1. Nothing To Declare. Baby has followed recipe to letter and smug, self righteous mummy sits backs and relaxes whilst eating all her hostess’ chocolate fingers, safe in the knowledge that baby is good to go.

2. Declaration on Arrival. You admit failure to get baby to follow recipe, which you blame on baby. However, you’re absolved from any judgment as you were humble enough to declare them tired/teething/snotty (delete as applicable). Baby can’t be disapproved of for assaulting and battering others, as they’ve now got a bona fide pre-existing excuse. Mummy still allowed chocolate fingers.

3. Smuggling. Only for the bravest of mummies. You and baby both know that the recipe has been breached but mummy keeps quiet in the hope that baby’s adrenaline will see them through. A risky strategy that can end gloriously or hideously. Mummy only allowed chocolate fingers in the event of happy ending.

Being a wuss, I went for Option Two and, before Kate could even ask how we were, she had the full low down on Chickie’s mood. Now free of all responsibility, I toddled off to find those fingers.