A Disappointing Eruption

In retrospect, the chocolate fountain was 1900 calories too far. As my stomach gurgled and churned trying to understand why it was digesting two weeks worth of carbohydrates in two days, I watched on in admiration at my youngest nephew's capacity for cocoa solids, his morph into Augustus Gloop almost complete.

The last two days have incorporated the very best that the traditional family Christmas has to offer - gluttony, bickering, a drum kit and scintillating topics of conversation which have included comparisons between how Glam-Nan and Brother-in-Law prepare and package their rubbish ready for the bin men, drain rod techniques and screeding. The anthem to Christmas 2006 was "Patience" by Take That which Accountant has had on constant repeat. He bought the CD for me apparently. Best Present, the Wii which has caused loads of fights and provoked Brother-in-Law to have a full-on tantrum when his go was cut short.

We arrived and left to a drum roll as Augustus got a drum kit for Christmas and has been performing in the same demented style as Animal from the Muppets, pummelling out beats he "just made up in his head" and then gathering feedback from his captive audience after each rock session. Day One found me unprepared, Day Two I was smug, enjoying the only pair of earplugs in the room. I nodded along enthusiastically during the "wow, you're really talented" reinforcement sessions, taking my lead from the enthused, nodding faces of my family.

The rest of Christmas was spent undoing the zillions of annoying plastic wire twisty things that are used to render toys impossible to remove from their packaging. I tried explaining to my one year old that he'd be able to play with his toys next Christmas when mummy had managed to remove them. Whose genius idea were those wirey bits of misery and are 120 per toy really necessary?

After dressing Chickie up in his SuperBaby costume and flying him around the room, attention turned to the B List pressies which included a Volcano Making Kit which, according to the box would "perform an amazing eruption in front of your friends and family".

Excitement mounted as the plaster in the volcano mould set and all the family congregated to witness the AMAZING eruption. The special concoction of vinegar, bicarbonate of soda, red paint and washing up liquid were mixed together and placed inside the special volcano eruptor. We all stood back and waited with baited breath as nothing happened. Half an hour of staring and vinegar top ups followed and our volcano didn't look like the picture on the box. Sister apologised to her two very disappointed children who had invested over an hour of their time into Operation Volcano.

Brother-in-Law cheered us all up with an amazing eruption of his own - no bicarbonate of soda required.