Top of The Tots

Motherhood throws many challenges into the face of the unsuspecting woman who wished she’d been more insistent about that headache the night all the trouble began. I can’t pinpoint one particular shock that was bigger than the rest as, for me, they’ve all been pretty massive. However, here's my Top 10:

10. The Smell
Sewage handling without the protective equipment. No one cares that you have to mop up poo all day. You don’t even get complimentary latex gloves in your Bounty Birthing Bag.

9. The Noise
One word. Earplugs. Get some.

8. The Guilt
Everything is ultimately your fault. If it isn’t, you feel as if it is. If you don’t feel as if it is, someone else will be thinking it is which brings me on nicely to Chart Entry No 7.

7. The Judgment
Glares, stares, shaking heads, tutting, shifty glances, irritated gasps, swift exits. These will all happen as a direct result of you taking your child out in public. How dare you.

6. The Worry
Whether your husband has just accidentally bounced your new three week old baby off of the floor boards or he’s snacking on some old bird poo that he found in the fire grate, baby will always be keeping mummy and daddy on their toes and on the brink of sanity.

5. That I’m Not As Scary As I’d Hoped
I seriously thought that if I shouted loud enough or stared menacingly for long enough, something 3 ft shorter than me would be intimidated into submission. Not my baby, he finds nothing more amusing in fact than a tomato red mummy bouncing round the house.

4. My Metamorphosis into a Hippopotamus
Argh, yes. My new hormone imbalance, insatiable appetite for anything chocolate coated and complete lack of exercise have found me replacing my fitted wardrobe (as in fitted me, not a fitted wardrobe) for something a bit baggier. Much like myself.

3. My Sudden and Glaring Awareness of all my Personality Flaws
Another favourite. When trotting along merrily pre-Chickie, I had no need to stop and analyse my patience, tolerance and general fluffiness levels. Yes, Accountant tested them often but I didn’t particularly care whether my reaction would scar him for life.

2. The Mess
Allow me to elaborate. Child is given some honey on toast, your basic finger food that, you’d think, would be a fairly safe unsupervised bet. However, when mummy looks up, toddler has fashioned a wholewheat propeller by poking his finger through the middle of the toast and is spinning it round and round, giggling like a movie baddie as hundreds of little sticky crumbs whizz around the room, creating a 1980’s stippled effect on mummy’s furniture. Tot is also sporting a new do thanks to the honey gel he’s liberally applied to his nice clean hair.

1.The Labour
The most fitting introduction to motherhood God could have designed. Bravo.

That said, there's simply nothing better than your own little sproglet.